Getting Old

So over the last few days it has kind of hit me that we all are getting older and it has kind of freaked me out. I wish that everyone would just stand still because as everyone else is moving forward I feel as if I am being left behind.



It hit me that everyone has so much figured out in their lives and I barely know what the hell I am doing. Its like I am starting to feel like everyone's younger sister who doesn't have a clue what the heck is going on. I realized that I have no idea what I am going to do with my major and I have come to the conclusion that I doubt I will use my major in whatever job I have because I am totally not into the corporate scene. Everyone else is like this is what I am doing and this is where I am going to be and I am sitting here wondering what is going to happen in this year and trying to figure out where my life is going. I think it is kind of hitting my that I no longer have a plan in my head of what will be because I think I have realized that there is no way to plan, but without a plan I feel really vulnerable and out of control.



Yesterday and right now I am lounging in my robe from last year and have been on my computer or reading a book during the day and that makes me feel like a thirty-five year old who just is moving through life and not enjoying it. I just want to have fun and not have the feeling that I need to be stressed out because how fun is life if you have stress and are not having fun. This probably contributes to the fact that I don't have a plan, so I guess it is a crazy circle.



I feel like everyone close to me has everything all figured out some to the point of being married and having a baby and others just realizing that they are dating the one they are going to be with for a really long time. This freaks me out because there is no way in hell that I want to be in something so serious. There is no way that I could deal with all the bullshit that goes along with a serious relationship, I just want to have fun and be happy and not have someone bring me down. There is no way that I could be married or even think about marriage like that is one thing I can live without as long as I am not alone forever. This could mean living with a good friend who is also not married or just having a boyfriend forever. I wouldn't like someone being in my space twenty four seven they would have to travel a bit or live not with me but come over a bit. I sound like a mess but it is cool to get this all out.



Right now when I look into the future on how I see my life in like ten years and right now I just see myself doing my things and not having a guy at my side everyday because I really don't need that. I see myself buying a house and having a fun fufilling time living in my twenties. I really don't want to deal with the bullshit and heart ache that comes with being committed to the person, like don't get me wrong if i were dating someone I would be committed, but not like throwing them into my life, I need some me time too. As much as I enjoy having someone around to keep me busy am I really going to find the person who makes me want to settle down and is there really a person who would want to pack up and go winter camping or go for a hike or just randomly take off and do something that is semiathletic and outdoors. And when I am really close to someone I take on their problems which totally just adds stress to my life and I really don't want to worry about that. So clearly I am at the point in my life where I just don't want to deal with crap from other people.



WoW I sound bitter about relationships in general, but maybe that is because I am feeling totally betrayed by some of my closest allies. Maybe that is all a part of growing up and having the people around you leave you for the ones they love and if you don't have someone like that you feel left behind and lonely.



Oh well!